Thinking out loud.

Do you sometimes feel that your optimism can only do so much to save your sanity? Do you sometimes feel that what you really "think" is actually opposed to what you value as true and right - but you act on what is the 'higher' value and while you think you made the right decisions - your alter ago is actually giving you heck?

Welcome to my world.

It's probably the stress that's taking a toll on me. B is in Carstairs with his folks and while I am here, nursing a bad case of colds, cough and I can feel my body temperature a bit high - so, not sure if this will go into a full-blown fever. Ugh! :( We're supposed to go together but I don't want to risk the 2 small girls catching what I'm having right now - besides, I am not thrilled having his 2 SILs around - that I feel better staying put - but I want B around. Ugh!! :(

I encouraged him to go (I know he's excited to play golf with Jeff and Kurt) so I think it will be incredibly selfish of me to ask him to stay home. So, off he went and I am home - printing the guestsheets and doing the laundry at the same time because no matter how hard I try to sleep, I can't! :(

I got the pictures from Niko re: my gown. Am I excited? Yes. Are you jumping for joy? No. I wish I am though. Why is that? Because all these friggin preparations are still not done and I'm ready to get married!!! See, all the dresses are coming from home. Sometimes, I truly wonder if Veluz's magic will work on me. My 'real' fitting was last year in July - while I know that I lost some pounds and a few inches - somehow, the excitement is not as how I see some brides to be are feeling. Could it be because I'm older and I'm not gushing on every single accomplishments that we have done? Have I become desensitized to the planning process because anything that we planned for - IS CONSTANTLY CHANGING ANYWAY? Or, even if there is a good news (the dresses are finished) - it's always overshadowed by something equally major and these uncertainties are definitely causing undue stress! :(

After the hotel venue thing, we learned that our parish priest might go on a sabbatical or at least, something to the effect that he has to rest. Can you imagine my shock when he said this after the Mass yesterday? We couldn't truly hear what he said because we were seated at the very last pew and the kids were running around like crazy and screaming in the hall - so, whatever he said, we couldn't really digest. But, I heard him say, having a retreat, he needs prayers and that he also will pray for the parishioners but he needs to rest, that someone will take over his place, etc. I can feel my head and ears grow bigger and bigger and the sense of panic imminent. I had to ask B if what I'm hearing is he's leaving the parish and someone else will come do his duties or I'm just imagining things. B said, from what he got from the brief speech was: he's sick and he needs to rest.

Father did not march (like he normally does) and left the altar hurriedly - which is very unusual. What the heck is happening?!?!?!?!! He did not shake hands with the people - a common practice for all priests to do after a "Sunday" Mass.

So, yes, the dresses are done - they're pretty actually but are we able to do everything we planned for for the ceremony if Father Krys is NOT the one celebrating the Mass with us? I know it does sound selfish - because if B got the message right - the old priest is sick - should I should just shut up right? I DO FEEL BAD if he indeed was sick but what I got from his speech was more of a "bye for now, I'm burnout" kinda thing. Of course, this does not mean that it's wrong to take a time-off - but really, the big panic on my side is - I have a feeling he's going away for a long time. Normally, he tells the people that he's going to Poland or wherever but will be back on such and such a date. He did not say this. And, when he left the altar and did not march during the recessional was a big RED flag for me/us. What's going on??????

My heart sank. We want Father Krys to celebrate our wedding. He loves Joaquin and all the other children. He's very easygoing and he knows us quite well. In fact, he even asked us last week about how long before we tie the knot. Everything seemed perfectly normal.

Then, the shocking announcement. I tell you it was shocking because nobody MOVED from their seats after he made this speech. What in the world is happening??????? We love Fr. Krys because he is a true people person and he knows how to involve people in the Mass. We want him to officiate our vows because he knows all about us.

I know I should not jump the gun. He might be out for just a month - but who truly knows??!?!! No message on the website. Perhaps, a small phone call to Jan should to the trick.

I hope Fr. Krys will be around for our ceremony. We planned the ceremony in the same way that we know that he'll be around - it's like not having one of our parents come to our wedding - with the news that he shared yesterday. :(

So, can you blame me if I'm feeling stressed out? :( Our ceremony will be the typical Filipino wedding Mass. NOT many priests know this - nor ALLOW this - and that's why Fr. Krys is also a popular choice for this. But with him leaving, who else can do our service in the meaningful way that we know he can do? :(