Deal-breakers and love lessons.

Ok, I'll shift gears and talk something different - although still quite related to weddings and such. I'll share some of the life lessons I learned (deal breakers included) about love and relationships. And yes, this post was triggered by 2 women from the boards I frequent and who are experiencing their worst life ever after their men werent too MANly enough to stay faithful.

Disclaimer: I have pm-d and wrote publicly of my opinions to these 2 women. They are, for the most part, I'd call - brave souls - because they, despite the heart-wrenching thing they're undergoing - managed to reach out for help. Awareness is key. I hope you gals will continue to see the light after the darkness has passed.

1. Love thyself. And I don't mean in a vain kind of way. The Lord has created us in His likeness - therefore, we are perfect - despite what the world, media and society paint and propagate. Before plunging on to any relationship, we have to know WHO we are and WHAT we are capable, limited on, worthy of, and finally - WHY we are what we are. If you know yourself - body, mind, spirit - NO one can crush your soul.

2. Stay rational. Better said than done, I know. But, if one person learns to see things from a 3rd person point of view, we are more accepting, less cruel to ourselves and understand things in a better way. Love is not measured by how gushing you'd feel towards another person, how he/she swept you off your feet, how you both like the same books/movies/sports team - there's more to it than the fleeting infatuation. Sure, you do get those moments - but if you base all these on how you 'feel', I'm sorry my dear - but you might just be headed for the pits. Love is a decision - you choose to love someone - and you ACT on something. Therefore, you also use your mind and not just your heart.

3. Be patient. Another better said than done category. And yes, this is very hard virtue to cultivate. In a long term relationship, love is not instant but it's not to say that you have to have 1000000 years to know that he/she is the one. If you have decided to be with someone, then, know that this person is bound by his / her sets of values, aspirations, background that is entirely different from you. Therefore, you will not always see things in the same perspective. But, you can agree to disagree. Compromise is another key to lasting relationships.

On a different note, if you find yourself in a situation where break up is imminent, this lesson is also very valuable. We need to heal in order to get well. And the healing process is not like a flick of a switch - it takes time. It can't be rushed.

4. Trust and commitment. What relationship can survive without these? When we decide to be with a person for the rest of our lives - we put a lot of ourselves into it - more than just the thought, we try to live it such that we are almost in a bubble. Is this good? Maybe. But, more importantly, when we totallly immerse ourselves and commit to that one person - it doesn't necessarily mean that we 'die'. And I guess that is one fallacy we often think - romance novels are the culprit. I have learned long and hard that to be in a trusting, committed relationship means to relish being with the other person - but not lose oneself in the process. We might think, laugh and love alike - but this doesn't mean that we lose sight of ourselves.

Rainer Maria Rilke (one of my favorite philospher/authors) aptly stated it. "A good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust."

We need to have our own sacred space - to lose it is to lose your own identity. When a couple is too wrapped up with each other, we forget the world outside. And that's why it's hard when there is disagreement, we feel insecure that something can break the relationship. A healthy relationship respects distance, space, and the sacredness of the being.

5. Love of God. In all instances, love the Lord and He will give you a just reward. A relationship is always blessed if you put Him in the centre of your lives. A couple who lives by this does not hurt each other deliberately (cheat) because to hurt the partner is to be severed in the Almighty's love.

In my book, the root of all evil is in dishonesty. When we lie, we avoid truth and we cause major heartbreak. I'm better off learning the truth (so, he got over me and fell in love with another woman - is it my loss??????) than to live in limbo - not knowing if he's going to come home to me or to some other woman. Truth hurts. But, I'd rather have truth anytime. No matter how much hurt it would cut - because I can't live in a life of lies.

In one of the darkest days in my life, a few lessons unfolded.

1. I can't be a doormat. I am a person with dignity. I expect people to treat me as such. If a man decides to go for another woman, I have to know why. But, I won't belittle myself and wallow on a masochistic tendency (to blame myself for this failure). Remember, it takes two to tango. If the love has gone away and never to come back, it's not meant to be. I do believe in this - because I know that Someone Higher than any being on earth - knows His perfect plan for me.

2. I know what I want - therefore, I can't settle for anything less. It's not about finding the trophy spouse-to-be; it's about knowing what makes you tick and what things you can't compromise. I have been on that road where I dated because I thought it's about time. Big mistake! I didn't realize that that's an invitation for bigger heartbreaks! Instead, I learned to enjoy my life - hone my skills, get better spiritually, physically, financially, emotionally (in this order!!!) and then, out of the blue - came the ONE.

3. I cannot tolerate a cheater or a liar. Major deal breaker. Can I forgive him? Yes. But, can I forget? Maybe not. Should I still pursue a marriage with this person? Only you would know this answer. In my case, if we're not bound by a Sacrament - I probably won't. If we're married, maybe I'd reconsider - but the stakes will be high.

In all these, my saving grace is a network of people who loves me unconditionally - at all cost. Heartbreak happens but it's not the end of the world - because things happen for a reason. And no matter how badly we hurt, know this - whatever does not kill us, makes you strong.

And a strong woman is something to behold - for the rest of your life. Why? Because we're worth it.