A Rhetorical question.

I have to preface this by saying, patience is my waterloo and I can definitely improve on this... but really - what would you do if you were me?

In my FT job, I have a 'client' base who comprise of 30% challengers, 70% achievers. Guess who take up most of my time - from talking on the phone, sending emails, answering their no-brainer questions, to helpless, Oscar-worthy performances? Yep, you bet - the 30% folks whose unique IDs I have memorized; worse, their middle names too. So yeah, if I know their names fully well - it is NOT good. They are the F-ers as opposed to A-ers.

Case #1: The dork.
Whiner: Oh, I don't know why I can't access my course. It's been 3 weeks (and the following day is the deadline for their exams) and I still can't get in.
Me: Did you register for the course?
Whiner: What? I should register (pay) for my course?
Me: Did you say you've been sitting in class!??!?!!
Whiner: (squirmish) Yeah........
Me: Wow, you almost got a scholarship for that eh?!?!?! (Frick, you've been attending the course/s for FREE!!!)

Case #2: The whiner, single mom-syndrome.
Me: Hi there, how can I help you?
Whiner: (almost yelling tone) Well, I don't know if you can help me. But, I really think something is screwed with my marks.
Me: Oh, is that right? What shows up? (Ok, am setting myself up here - but we all know WHY they're calling, isn't it?)
Whiner: Yes. I didn't meet the required pass mark.
Me: Uh-huh. And you said that there's something NOT right with the mark?
Whiner: Yes, I've tried so hard. I work 20 hours a day and I am a single mom, I have to look for childcare, I'm so tired. This Program is very hard. I just needed a few more points to pass!!!!
Me: Ok... have you tried to see a counsellor? (I need to be polite, right?!?!?)

Case #3: The whiner, OCD (In my time, we call this grade-conscious people).
Whiner: I want to find out why I only got B when my classmate who did the same, exact procedure of my scenario got A- in our case.
Me: Did you talk to your instructor about this?
Whiner: Well, she won't listen. I have explained my point several times.
Me: And she won't hear you?
Whiner: No, she won't.
Me: Well, you have to make an appointment to see the Manager then.
Whiner: But why?!!?
Me: Because talking to me about your teacher not hearing you out won't help. The Manager can do something about it.
Whiner: Should I really have to do that??!?!
Me: Why did you call me again!?!?!? (Can I bang your head in the wall?!?!?!)

Case #4: The victim, of being a bigot.
To: Course Administrator
From: ID #123456
Date: Forever and ever
Time: Now

Hello. Please let me know how I can contact my Program Manager. I feel that I am discriminated against because of my skin colour. Apparently, because I have failed my course twice, I can't repeat it again. I think it's unfair. I need to take this course IMMEDIATELY so I can do my apprenticeship and graduate.

Thanks.

My REPLY:

Hi #123456. Here is the contact info of the Program Manager: xxx ooo xxxx
Thanks.

(Short and sweet and I think I responded to her inquiry, right? And really, when you have done a course twice in a 6 month period and this is a major course, should you be reflecting on why you were not successful more than just making lame excuses?!?!?!)

Case #5: The victim, political woes.
Victim: I am Indira Pana Kakana-kana and I graduated from Timbuktu. Are you the Manager?
Me: Hello there Indira. I work in the Most-Important-HealthcareProfessional-Program and no, I'm not the Manager.
Victim: Oh... well, I graduated from the Timbuktu State University and I have double degree and a master's. Is there a way for me to get to the Most-Important-HealthCare Professional Program as soon as I can?
Me: Well, we have 3 intakes if you are interested in the FT Program. If you are interested in a PT basic program, we take in students every January - once a year only.
Victim: Ok. I want to do that. How long is the FT program?
Me: 16 months.
Victim: What!?!?!? That long?!?!?! But like I said, I have a double-degree and masteral. Can't you guys use that for my entrance requirement?
Me: We actually can, sir/madam. But, because you graduated from Timbuktu, you need to have your international paperwork assessed so that we can compare apples to apples. This way, our College can identify what your skill sets are and what your Timbuktu credentials will translate in Canadian standards.
Victim: You guys are no good. You advertise to everyone that you are ready to embrace newcomers to your homeland - and now, this! You make it so difficult for us.
Me: It's actually pretty straightforward, Indira. With your magnificent credentials, all you need is to send it to our Province's capital's education agency and they can do it for you. Unfortunately, we have standards that need to be met and for internationally-educated people, this is one exercise that has to be done.
Victim: But that's 2 more months for me!
Me: Well, do you want to go thru this or not? You know, you can look at other professions too if you don't want to wait for your credential assessment.
Victim: I think it's ridiculous! You are not making it easy for newcomers! Where are the promises that your government made?
Me: I can't answer that. And if you need to let your voice heard, contact your MLA. Maybe they can do something about it. Thank you for calling.

(OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

In all these, I have one tag line in my head that I really, really wanted to say - as adapted from my good friend.

Are you the THINKING kind!?!??!