Self-talk.

Thanks to Anna's last comment last time - I got to think about blogging again. Actually, I've always been hoping to blog but I never got to - or should I say, I have set other priorities first that I literally have just not made the extra time to do it. So what now? What made me write again this time?

Really, it's this one nagging thought that I had that emanated from a water-cooler discussion I had with one co-worker. My Chinese co-worker asked me - "How do you feel about going home? Do you feel that you still belong (in your home country)?"

Wow - that word - belong. I must admit, I must have quipped a smarty pants answer but that thought lingered and long after that short question. Do I feel that after 6 years of being away - that I still belong? I thought that was an honest and really simple question but for some reason, I can't seem to have one honest and simple answer.

I thought it was nice to visit, see and meet up with friends, eat the food that you miss or have hankering for, but I think deep down - something is amiss and some things have gone quite awry. I think that's what bothers me the most - that things are not as what I hoped them to be or wished things to be - like friendships.

Over the past years that I have gone home - I have this great anticipation of having to see old friends and just connecting but the depth and level of communication has gone several notches down. It was majorly different - maybe because there is not much nurturing going on (like girl dates, tea time sessions, chicka dates) but also because I felt that their world is entirely different than mine now. Odd, but I felt that some of the 'cares' that they are so involved with are not entirely the same kind of 'concerns' I'd have just because our lifestyles have become so different and it starts with the types of priorities they put in life as well.

Example: Someone made a comment about how being domesticated (meaning being a home-maker) means opting to do trivial things like cooking healthily and having your house cleaned up and that gardening is meant for old people. Seriously!?!?! I thought that was a stupid thought and I blurted - well, see, where I am - those are just the facts of life because if nobody (neither you nor the husband) will be doing those chores then you're going down the pits - just because back home, the norm is the chores and other duties are meant for the maid/nanny and NOT for the working wife/mom. Was I out of line? Was that rude? Maybe I did change too - because I thought what others regard as "low" and 'beneath them' is actually just the right things to do and I won't have it any other way. Sure, it would be nice to have a maid - but really - I probably will still be making the meals and will make sure that I will be looking after my kids (if we are going to be blessed with at least one!).

I know that nothing is permanent in this world. But all too often, I still believe in 'for keeps' because I still have a few people who I regard very highly and while we might have opposing views on things - a great deal of the values are basically the same still. It's just too bad that they seem to be vanishing and getting lesser and lesser every time. :(

Then, there is this whole tangent on the social and political arena which I'm not even going to belabour as there is no middle ground here as well. I'm not going to lie - it irks me no end when I come home and I see the children out in the streets living in their push carts, the traffic being what it is despite huge sign boards (seriously, no discipline!!!) etc...etc... Why do people even wonder why the Philippines is not getting ahead? Sheesh - it's not just the politicos, but really - the kinds of people we are - that's what's setting us back - maybe not everyone is like that - but a great majority just seems to be lost in their own world - thinking that things will change if they don't do anything about it.

There is a great chasm that divides the social status and it shows - that's what upsets me. I love my home-country but I think that it is in need of serious repair and help. I think I read before about a Korean student writing an essay about the Philippines (that we don't love our country) - and you know, sad as it may seem - there is some truth to that. There is a great majority of people back home who just puts their interest FIRST before anything else - and the vulnerable - the kids, the abandoned, those living in poverty - are the ones who experience all these blows.

Caring for the environment is nil. Gosh, we can't even find one single recycling area or receptacle anywhere in the whole dang metropolis except maybe in a mall somewhere in Makati... People litter or just don't give a damn. Sorry, but these things do infuriate me - people with babies and they smoke in front of them and then, their cigarette butts just flicked everywhere - and not disposed of properly... tama ba yan!?!?!

I think I'm brainwashed and I guess I'm accustomed to certain things - based on the standards of where I am. Does that make me right? Maybe not. But the ones I mentioned above - am I over-reacting to what I saw? Was I being a drama queen when I stated my point about women taking over their household and that women who do this are perceived to be 'beneath' a standard? Maybe then, that Chinese co-worker of mine and I are riding the same boat - because she did feel the same way I felt - only I did not admit it right to her face.

And frankly, I'm still mulling about it.